She walked into my life - unannounced, bouncing from a photo into my life. We met for a few minutes and she decided to marry me .. I stood flabbergasted .. not at the decision but the trust that she implied in me .. an unknown stranger .. and only because our families agreed that this was right .. this is the 90s .. arranged marriages were still in vogue ..
Our relationship started on a high note. Her personality intrigued me. Her charm, her smile, her eyes and just everything about her enveloped my life. Simply said, I walked mesmerized at her positive attitude towards life.
I enjoyed the immense attention that she gave me. The romance was in full bloom. We got married and she moved in with me.
letting the moment pause and linger
feeling the music, the deep silence renders
the two hearts drenched in love tender
take their tale of love into the woods under
stay silent, don’t say anything now
feel the moment
perk your ears
hear the sound, the whisper of love
- an excerpt from the poem "Whisper of Love", Apr 2016
Relationships works in cycles .. they start out with romance ..being enchanted with the person, they progress into conflict .. getting to see the darker side of each other, and then repose in commitment .. being able to accept everything as it is.
I was totally lax in building on this initial euphoria. I never discussed anything significant .. likes, dislikes, interests, career, family. It was all fun and frolic. Yet we quickly realized that we were two diametrically opposite personality. Our ideas of life and living clashed. Soon silly fights over even insipid reasons started creeping in. The relationship craved for the missing nurturing - tender and caring to let it grow and cement forever .. to work out the conflict into commitment.
The bedrock of any healthy relationship is mutual acceptance. Disagreements are not unusual. But when you find yourself arguing daily, or when you feel emotionally insecure a lot of the time, then it’s a sign. When we find someone who loves us – with all our faults and emotional burdens – we feel liberated. She embraced me while I stood unattached. It was time to pause and fix it .. the signs were everywhere. I just walked past it ignorant.
Sometimes relationships need an outside perspective to provoke and flush the flaws out. I was locked in my cocoon and did not let any outside view interfere. Even the few who dared to step in only succeeded in amplifying the dent. The many simple dents remained untended and became an unruly chasm in time.
Mundane life events took over the reins and forced us to move forward. Kids, house, career .. everything kept the relationship flame flickering and alive .. although lipid and dull. The underlying issues popped their head now and then. And when they did pop, it seemed violent and totally uncivilized. I could hear the choicest adjectives attached to my name. There was lot of ugly language, yelling and puerile insinuations.
I got blamed for everything in her life including her marriage to me. I was confused and was not sure how much said was real and how much came in the heat of the moment. But they continued chipping into the thin glue that held this relationship together. Relationships asks us to let go of the desire to be right in arguments, and instead search for compromise. I did not make that happen. Anger and frustration had shut down the rational part of my brain. There were no apologies, no sorry's. It just got pushed into the corner under the drapes of sex.
Ultimately, relationship requires allowing life and love to be just what they are – with all their sorrow, ecstasy, and heartache – without trying to take control. This is what it takes to be present in a relationship - to love and to be loved - to bring intimacy back into your relationship. I thoroughly failed in seeing this reality.
Even as we face each other, our minds stay far away
Sounds of my whisper arrive as words of anger to you
In the darkness, you read my face, that I never intend to portray
Slowly collecting tears to ease the walk into new
- an excerpt from the poem "Our Strange World", Feb 2013
Then it happened .. suddenly and with a bang. She walked out. It was one of the most painful events in my life. The life that I knew fell apart, tearing everything and damaging the very inner core. The fragile relationship finally collapsed under its own weight.
As days went by, The many previously flashing signs came back to haunt and remind me. The many hours spent crying, regretting and revisiting the “what if” situations did nothing but push me into a deep depression and gloom.
Unfortunately, Life like time only moves forward. No matter how much you regret and cry, you will not be able to bring the past back. There is no “back to the future” to erase and restart. Attempting to escape emotional conflicts often results in sinking further into the quagmire ..
my sagacious mind wants to let go
the irresponsible me holds to you tight
this tug of war has no real ending
leaving my life seesawing in muddled light
- an excerpt from the poem "Seesaw", Mar 2020
Fast forward few months .. And then realization walked in.
Now .. it was time to accept, let go, forgive and allow the healing to happen .. it was time to move forward. The natural response to a painful experience like this is to obsess over what happened. It’s all too common to replay such painful scenarios in our minds for months, even years. But forgiving ourselves and others is a must to move forward.
She walked out .. leaving behind a newer, wiser and a better person than when she found me … for that, I remain eternally obliged and grateful.
Staring into the vacuum
Hanging onto sweet memories
Watching the skin glow and wrinkle
in the arms of time, cozy and cuddled
lie me and your sweet memories
- an excerpt from the poem "You and Me", Nov 2001